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new phone!   
09:59pm 08/11/2006
  wow, update. crazy.

Sooo my cell phone has officially died. I have lost every single phone # on it. I got a new one but I need all your digits! Please post them or if you feel weird about posting your number on the world wide web, e-mail me! oshank@hunter.cuny.edu. Thank you! My # is still the same so that's good.

Oh, and I have a dance show coming up at Hunter. Nov. 15, 16, 17, and 18. $10. More details to follow if anyone expresses any kind of interest.
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06:25am 05/01/2006
mood: optimistic
so my last entry wasn't the "big update," that was just the coming attractions. it's been so long since i've written in this thing i'm lost for words. i feel almost pressured by some invisible force to make this entry the best one i've ever written, but i'll tell you now, it's not going to be. so i figure i'll just disappoint you now before you read any further. i guess i'll start out by telling you of my recent events. for new years i spent most of my time freezing my ass off on the side of the road as my car gradually piles on two inches of snow and i wait to be towed just a little over two miles from my house. the first new years where i actually had more than one plan and i fuck up all of them. instead of staying with the boy, i was going to go to the city. then on my way home some idiot stops in the middle of a hill with their god damn toyota truck and then it's all over for me. i swerve like a maniac determined to get my ass on a bus to ny and then my car was just like "hell no i aint moving you crazy psycho bitch." so that was fun. oh, the ride home with the creepy tow truck man was a lot more fun though, plus the hundred bucks i had to pay him. woo, the year's headed for a great start! (if you couldn't tell already, i'm going to be bitching this entire entry. it's been a freakin long ass time the last time i've actually bitched about stuff on this thing and i'm about ready to pop).

people have been asking me how my first semester at Hunter has been. i'd say great, that is, if it were over, but it's not. due to the strike my finals have been postponed to the 10th, 12th, and 13th. i can barely remember what classes i've taken let alone what the hell i've learned in them. but i can say though that my "break" so far has been going fairly well (other than the finals lurking in the back of my mind as each day passes). i can honestly say that i've had more fun these past couple weeks than i've had all semester. but hey, who said transferring to the city was going to be easy? i've started to make a few friendships with the peeps in the dance department and once i get back i'm going to register to take classes at steps (a dance studio) on broadway. i've really been focusing my attention on dancing these past few months since i fear i've lost a lot of training in the past couple years at new paltz. although i wouldn't trade any of the time i had there for anything. what can i say? i miss it. it wouldn't be the same if i stayed though, and i'd probably be miserable always thinking about what it would be like if i stayed in dance. so that's why i got out, if you were wondering.

going to hunter in the big city i knew i had to make an impression somewhere or else i'd be swallowed alive. this opportunity came to me in auditions for the "fall showing," where students choreographed pieces that were presented in November. Ok, so it was a stupid show where mostly just parents and friends went to, but i did it. i was actually in two dances, although people would probably only remember me in one. i played an obsessive compulsive old lady who was insistent on wearing gloves and pretending to be "beautiful" (which i would randomly shout on stage.. so it was more like "beeeeeaaaaauuuuuutifffffuuuuull"). it was actually quite creepy and i don't think i've ever had so much fun rehearsing in my life. all of us would laugh until we cried. so now i am officially known as... "Grandma." hey, it's a start. even if no one really knows my name, at least they remember my face... well if i smoosh it up and look bug-eyed that is.

you know i thought living in an apartment would be cool. yeah, i'm that naive. not so cool when every corner you walk on some creepy black man calls you snowflake and you live with your sister who never wants to go out. not that i don't blame her, it's freakin scary, but i think i just may go crazy soon. i've lived there for three months and i barely know the neighborhood i live in. i know manhattan better than i do the people who live next door to me. oh and apearantly a mouse inhabbited the stove (which wasn't even working for half the semester). at first we named the mouse Charles, then we realized there was more than one. so we named the other ones Charles as well. i just love waking up in the morning to mouse shit sitting in all the freshly washed dishes. it brings joy into my heart to know that at least something is having a decent meal. oh well, it's better than living at home though, i can say that much. although a two hour bus ride is probably a lot better than being packed for an hour into a half full subway car since no one wants to go near the homeless man who had puked all over the other side of the train while someone else is screaming in your ear about jesus or having some punk selling you candy or asking for money to "support their family" as you see a pack of cigarettes stick out of there bag so you just take the change out of you pocket just to shut the fucker up. i <3 my ipod shuffle. (thanks hun).

in other news, i saw king kong and narnia, both excellent films. cried like a baby in both. you didn't think the city would turn me hard that quickly did you? both were ridiculously corny, but so am i. so who's going to see X-Men 3 with me? Arch Angel and BEAST are going to be in it so it's obviously going to be the best.

you know i don't know why i waited so long to update. this was nice. i shall do this again soon. soon as in probably another year or so, but let's be optimistic. i guess i should study for a final i have in some class. or better yet, catch up on a little french since i have to take an intermediate class next semester and haven't said a single word of if it for about a year.

oh fun times are ahead. i can feel it. fuck yeah.
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03:01am 30/12/2005
You scored as Dance. You should be a Dance major! Like a lithe ballerina, you dance because you believe there is beauty in expressing the physical form.






























What is your Perfect Major?
created with QuizFarm.com

hey, that is my major! so i'm not completely hopeless.
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12:30am 02/12/2005

"A Full Update"

writen by Olivia Shank
starring Olivia Shank
with guest appearances by Josh Van Leuven, the Hunter College Dance Dept, Charles as 'the mouse', and many others.
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01:00pm 08/09/2005





     Read 3 - Post
08:56pm 26/03/2005
  anybody home? i'm home. happy easter everybody!

Dance the night away by karchan85
What you Look like
The MusicFolk
Quiz created with MemeGen!
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11:01pm 16/02/2005
mood: exhausted
Everyone must come and see FRESH DANCE this weekend!!!

Place: Mekena Theater, SUNY New Paltz
Time: Thursday (tomorrow) 8:00pm. (this night is cheaper)
Friday, 8:00pm
Saturday, 8:00pm
Sunday, 2:00pm
Price: $8 on Thursday. $14 student price.

please come! i know the price is a bit much, but if you don't go i guess that means that you don't love me. and i certainly will not love you. so that's that.
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04:42pm 14/01/2005
mood: blah

You Are 20 Years Old


Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

well how bout that! i act my age... ?

The Low-Fidelity All-Star: he was born with the cool, and it&apos;s totally natural.  He runs the gamut from Hipster Supreme (only they can ingest as much coffee as he) to the geeky hipster%
You are the Low-Fidelity All-Star. You were born
with your cool, and it's totally natural. You
run the gamut from Hipster Supreme (only they
can ingest as much coffee as you) to the geeky
hipster (Mario Kart, anyone?).

What Kind of Hipster Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

it's 5pm and the sky is my favorite shade of purple. it's so beautiful. go look!
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01:39pm 10/01/2005
You scored as Punk/Rebel.




Drama nerd












Ghetto gangsta


What's Your High School Stereotype?
created with QuizFarm.com

tee hee!
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what year is it?   
06:16pm 09/01/2005
mood: contemplative
I haven't updated in over a month and so i know all of you must of been terribley worried about my whereabouts. Well have no fear my fellow friends, lovers, strangers, stalkers, perverts, ex-cons, and whoever else that may keep tabs on this ridiculous source to my thoughts, I am here and I am doing fine. In fact, I don't believe I've been better.

The holidays are long gone and somehow it seems as though I've strangly become more festive and full of life then from when I had actually participated in the events. This break from college had led me to feel every emotion that has ever swept over my body. And to my surprise, I still have quite a bit of time left before I go back to my heartless college student self where anything that would affect me would only be a single letter on a slip of paper. It's funny when i think about it; if i were to explain what i've done with my break it would be nothing but frivolous time fillers and interactions that have been no different from any other at a given time. So any explaination of this emotional draining is beyond me. Perhaps the boy has factored into all of this, but i don't see him nearly enough as i should.

i've been telling myself everyday now that i'll go to the gym, and sadly it's been three weeks of contemplating the option. i believe i shall go tomorrow. i've been feeling rather weak lately, considering i'm frightened to death to even take the dogs out for a piddle. they're mighty large and excitable though.

and now i shall depart once again to go and eat my panda candy that i recieved at the health food store and watch some brainless television that i am so dispicably fond of. and if you are curious about panda candy, it is an all natural soft rasberry chew in the shape of honey combs that are quite yummy. but i think the real reason i purchased them is because they just remind me of my own wittle panda bear.

the song i have listed is the only good one of his, don't bother to try and find a better one. just in case you gave a shit.
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06:39pm 30/11/2004
mood: weird
love is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

sappy poemCollapse )
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03:43pm 28/11/2004
mood: confused
So I watched Pulp Fiction for the first time a couple nights ago (well, other than the time I saw it when I was 6, but that doesn't count.) I feel as though I can't really have a say in it because I'm not some movie buff (obviously, since I never seen it before). I will say this though, I really didn't like it so much. A movie that absurd and ridiculous should perhaps have some sort of meaning or substance behind it. Maybe I just missed it. Don't get me wrong, I love movies that are realistic and have that "life goes on" sort of deal, but to have such a flashy exotic fantasy movie like that, is just like every Blockbuster up on the wall. I guess what I'm trying to say is that Pulp Fiction was just completely overrated. I just saw it as a classic that I've never seen before. In my head it was always a great movie. After seeing it, not so much. I just don't understand it's popularity. Actually, I do, which is that sad part. This strange obsesstion with violence and drugs to mask our appearantly "dull" existance and to escape from it for only a couple hours, to live dangerously is everyone's guilty pleasure. Even though most of us are weak, including these fictional "dangerous" characters we strangly admire. I guess this goes into something else I was thinking about lately, the imagination. Honestly, it's making me completely exhausted. I can't help but daydream for nearly half the day.

wow, my cat just let out the loudest fart ever. it even made HIM jump! I didn't even know cats could make farting noises. Anyway...

I really need to stop waking up every morning and stop imagining a different future for myself every single day. People keep telling me a need to make a decision, but the truth is, I already have. I've decided that I don't want to do only one thing for the rest of my life. That's my decision. I think it would be sorta difficult to major in anything that strikes my fancy. So I guess that's out of the question.

Ok wow, this cat really needs to stop farting. it's freaking me out.

A few weeks ago I saw a poster up by the SUB and written on it were the words, "The World is Your Campus." I almost wept at the sight of it. It's so true.

I think I what I really need is to transfer. I'm not inspired to do anything here. New Paltz isn't going to inspire me, the teachers, the classes, certainly not my advidor, and not even the people I hang out with. this just isn't the right environment for me. i'm sleepy.
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10:44pm 10/11/2004
mood: loved
i went to a dance performance with my dad last weekend. i missed the silent conversations we always had when driving. i felt as though i was on my way to dance class when i was 12 again. we enter our own worlds staring out the window and even when the silence is broken, it is neither awkward nor a nuisance. we’d fall back into our own train of thought shortly after our brief, simple conversations.

the performace was good, even though i fell asleep at one point. it did make me tear up though. i always start to cry when i see a good dance. it's kinda weird. i can't stand the audience who watches dance performances though. they make me sick. analyzing the dance and thinking that they're so incredibley artisticly cultured like they actually know what it's like to be a dancer. *gag*. i can't stand it. so if i ever dance professionally (which is doubtful), i'd be performing for those fuckheads. that is no way to live. i dance only for myself. and for myself only.

i’ve been writing haikus lately. they seem to just about fill the space on the other side of the vertical paper line. you know, the small space where one usually doodles. well anyway, i do that when class starts to become dull.

i've been speending a lot of time with da pudum face. he makes me happy. and now i've been staring at my computer for five minutes trying to describe the feelings i have for him in words. it is beyond words. i love that fucking dirty cock.
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08:07pm 04/11/2004
  so i was planning on ranting in the entry, but i've lost all the will to do so. i haven't had a good rant in a long time. the urge just really isn't coming to me lately. the only thing feels right as of lately is long streams of conciousness. no point, no reason, no cares.

i'm hungry, but it's far too cold and wet to do anything about that. i can feel the depression of winter coming upon me. and every year i tell myself it wont be so bad, but i hate it. i hate the cold like i hate george bush. so... A LOT. i'm watching a special on the study of baboons, and all i have to say is who gives a shit on what a monkees' personality is? they're ugly, mean, and vile, just in different varities of the three. i feel so closed off in this building. in this room. but at the same time i feel like i have no privacy anymore. it's a strange feeling. i'd go for a drive if it weren't so rainy. my paranoia of driving alone in the dark is slowing down a bit. which is a nice relief. i guess it's just because i've been doing it a lot lately. i caved in and went to go see josh last night with money i probably shouldn't of spent. it was worth every cent though. i really love him. i was so tired that night for some unknown reason. long day i supose. i wish i could've been a bit more entertaining. but eh. i can't help it when i don't have anything to say and the only thing that's on my mind is already with the person i'm with. it better not rain tomorrow. or snow.

fresh dance is going well. actually, maybe that's not the right term. let's just say i'm having fun with fresh dance. i hope the dance get in
10:17am 03/11/2004
mood: anxious
yeah, i voted.

why are so many people surprised about this turnout? maybe i'm just a tad pessimistic, but come on, the way some people talk it's like they thought Kerry was going to win by a land slide. we already knew america was pretty neurotic when bush won the first time, it doesn't shock me at all he wins again. yeah, i'm pissed off, but i'm in no way shape or form surprised. *sigh* america... we're stupid as fuck, but ya gotta love us.

so i went to the bank the other day...
"i just wanted to know how much was in my account."
"four dollars and fifty-three cents."
"ok... i'd like to take out four dollars."

i am very sad. very sad indeed.

other than this whole election thing and being poor, i'd say things are going really well. i'm not doing too bad in school and i've always got someone on my mind. which is nice. i haven't had that feeling of longing in a while. even though it dirves me crazy sometimes, i like it in a weird way. i do miss him though. maybe it's good that i haven't seen him in a couple days. things have been going rather fast. buuuut, i don't care, i want him here now! meh.
01:38am 31/10/2004
mood: sad
so i'm kind of in a really bad mood right now. i've been feeling really sick all day. and i keep thinking i'm just hungry or that i haven't had enough sleep, but eating nor sleeping has helped at all. i'm a paranoid fuck.

it's 1:40am, halloween weekend, and i'm completely sober about to go to bed. i wish i didn't feel like shit, otherwise i'd still be at greg's. i really shouldn't be in such a bad mood that i'm in now, i think i'm just really tired. these last couple days have been absolutely wonderful. i haven't been this happy in such a long time. i guess part of the reason why i'm so upset is that i never think the happiness that i've been feeling lately lasts very long. so now i'm just dwelling on it, and it's just making me sad. i'm going to bed.

i still heart you josh.
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10:53pm 26/10/2004
mood: relieved
so i've been thinking about him a lot. and you know, the more i do, the more it just feels right. i can't really say that's ever happened to me before. i usually just think too much and then flip out and get all paranoid that the other half hates me. i just feel... relieved. i was talking to greg a few nights ago and he said some things that made so much sense. i was scared about why i was so atracted to him and greg pretty much cleared it all up for me. even though all of my past boyfriends were extremely different, they all had one thing in common. and that's that they've never told me how they felt. it was just this constant tango with them and i just had to keep guesing and questioning which eventually, drove me insnae. i like him because he doesn't do that. he'll tell me how he feels and i don't even have to question anything. i like that. no more bullshit. no more mind games. even though i can't really say the same thing about myself, which is kind of hypocritical of me, i think i say enough to get the message through.

there are other things too, like... we both like amelie... and sushi... that's enough to base a relationship on, right?

oh, and for those of you who don't know, i'm actually doing Fresh Dance this year! you know, the same production that i didn't get in last year? and now i'm in three dances. i'm really excited about it. it's honestly the only thing this school has to offer that makes me happy.

now i'm gonna go surprise josh at work cause i'm a dork. heh.
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10:00pm 25/10/2004
mood: loved
last weekend was amazing. Harold's Trousers played a show. I haven't had that much fun in a long time. last night/this morning i went to rob's and hung out with him and Josh. i had a wonderful time, even though i just made it back to new paltz three minutes before my class.

i'm happy. i really am. and i'm going to try extra hard not to fuck it up.

and yes, josh and i are together now. there. i said it. at least I can write names in my journal... *cough*cough*

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11:00pm 21/10/2004
  just takin a break from my work to write in this. so i can't be long. i'll just say the general, "yeah and then this happened" and leave it at that. i'm too tired and too sick and too lazy to be any kind of insightful.

after that crazy make out party a while back (yeah, i didn't know they existed either, go figure), i began to feel strange. or maybe not so much right after that, but as in now. i feel no urge to kiss anyone anymore. well, maybe there's one in mind. and no matter how much i think of it as being wrong, some little devil inside me says it's a good thing.

chris has entered the room now. but i feel no need to stop. and now he is rubbing my back so i will stop immediately
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11:19pm 13/10/2004
mood: blank
sometimes i hate starting to write journal entries. i stare off into this blank page and i feel as though i don't even have to write anything. i can post just this space and it'll say how i feel. empty, vapid, and blank. i don't know why i can never get angry. unless it's a full parking lot with NO WHERE TO FUCKING PARK. damnit. see, i'm not even serious. i'm never serious even if i want to be taken seriously. i serve no purpose when people are angry or upset around me. i'll let you to vent to me. i'll let you place your head on my shoulder. i'll softly touch your hair. i have no words of advice to give you though. i can't help you when i've never experienced or felt that emotion and it kills me. no matter how hard I try to understand anger or aggresiveness, the only thing that can come of it for me is fascination. and it must be that i just have a wonderful life, what else could it be? i really do. i love my family, i love my friends. i'm so typical it makes me sick. something needs to happen. and if you say that i should make something happen, then you're just an asshole. i can't explain this "something," but it's like energy. it can't be created. it can only be. i need a calling. i can't take listening anymore. all i do is listen. all i do is watch. i want to be able to talk. i want others to listen. i have nothing to say though. and if i did, it wouldn't mean anything.

i used to say so much. i could let you understand the deepest relm of my being without saying a word. it all took place on a stage, i could sweat essays and wear shoes that made me bleed novels. i want to bleed again. and not from my vagina. i'm too subtle for the act of speaking. i don't feel the need to talk because i base everything on what i feel with my body or my eyes. i guess it can just be frustrating at times when people can't understand me. this is the point where i wish i could just say something. sometimes words seem so trivial. we are always feeling, we always have some kind of emotion within us, and this to me is beyond what words can give us.

i think i'll step off my soap box for the night. thanks for reading.
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